My Identity Crisis - a Diary of the Past 4 Months

Well, here we go... As you might have noticed, I've been pretty quiet over here, and on social media in general, for the past couple of months. Not gonna lie, life has been hard! Now, I hope I don't come across as complaining, because I know some people are genuinely in some pretty terrible situations, and I actually have so much to be thankful for... But I've been struggling! I've been trying to put my finger on it, out a name to it, and figure out what the heck is going on; but I think I'm having an identity crisis! It turns out, so much of my self worth and self identity was tied up in my job as a station hand/jillaroo! I mean, maybe I should have seen it coming, in hindsight it all makes sense; as long as I can remember I wanted to leave school and work on the land, it's all I've ever done, or ever wanted to do, prior to the last couple of years at least! Some of you will know how much I started to struggle in the past couple of years, and how I was looking for a way to break out of my work situation; flash back to 2.5years ago, mid 2019, and I had just taken on a full time role that I didn't really want. For the 12 months before that I had been working part time, still loving life on the land, and loving the work, but also having time for my horses outside of work (since all our mustering was done with 4 wheelers and dogs, no horse work), and having time to keep my house nice and do the other things I enjoy, like cooking and sewing - it was the perfect balance for me! Then a series of events led my boss to ask me to go full time, and I didn't really feel like I had a choice, so I said yes, even though I didn't want to... 3 months in, and I was done. Over it. My horses weren't getting ridden, my house wasn't getting cleaned, and I literally had no time for me - every second of my day was spent serving someone else (working 10h+ days, only to come home and keep the clothes washed and hubby fed, then fall into bed, only to do the whole thing again tomorrow). Four months after I said yes to full time work, I was chatting to a girl on Instagram, and she offered to share with me what she was up to, creating a second income in her spare time by working online; and I had nothing left to lose, so I said yes! Don't get me wrong, I still had all the objections and misconceptions - obviously I didn't have time for this, I'm not a tech savvy person and didn't even have my Facebook account active at the time, I didn't want to sell to people, etc etc. But I also wanted out; what if I could learn, what if I could actually do it?? All I could see was that if I could earn a part time income, I could go back to part time at work (or drop it altogether), and take my life back! So I decided to give it a really decent go! I learnt how to leverage my time and get really good at finding stolen moments or multitasking at work to work on my business at the same time; I figured out what tasks I could do without an internet connection while I was up the paddock during the day with no reception, and prioritised the things that I needed internet for into the 10mins I could squeeze into my morning routine, and the half hour of online work I done before bed, and I made it work. There were definitely sacrifices - sometimes the house didn't get cleaned, and sometimes we ate more packaged food than homemade, just to eke out every spare minute I could, into building something for myself, instead of for everyone else - I finally got selfish! As much as I was embracing this new identity as an online entrepreneur, I still loved the property work, I loved being out in nature all day, I loved the sunshine and fresh air and getting to take my dogs to work, but the workplace itself was starting to take its toll. Josh and I were finding it harder and harder to work together, and the overall vibe of the workplace was quite masculine and I was feeling more and more like I didn't have a place there anymore; my favourite work days were the ones where I got to head off up the paddock to do a job on my own for the day! Eventually I was able to drop one week per month, and I used that time to keep improving my skills with my horses and to keep growing my online business. Then, as you know, I quit altogether at the end of June 2021; exactly 2 years after they asked me to go full time! This was what I wanted, right?? Well... It was what I wanted. It is what I want. But the actual practicalities of it have been a little more tricky to navigate. The first couple of weeks were great! I was able to rest and refresh and work on my own health and happiness. I got busy with my horses and got my housework under control; I was able to invest a solid 2 hours per day into my online work, instead of 5mins here and there throughout the day as I got spare minutes. But as the novelty wore off, I began to feel at loose ends; the head chatter started, and I started to feel "less than" because I wasn't waking up and "going to work" every day! (This is a deep seated belief from my childhood that I need to work hard to make money, and work hard to have value and worth in this life; I'm still navigating this one and unpacking it, because I know now that that belief is not serving me.)

August brought with it a decline in my mental health, I was getting out with the horses less and less, and I'd find myself fluffing around at my computer for half a day, instead of just getting my 2 hours of business work done and getting on with my day (and I definitely wasn't doing half a days worth of work for the time I spent there!) I realise now that I was losing my purpose; now that I was no longer the busy country girl, juggling all the things to make her business work; now that I was no longer the station hand, the employee, giving my time to build someone else's empire; all of a sudden I had no idea what or who I was. At the same time, Josh was navigating work without me, and the fact that the boss was not bringing on a new staff member to replace me, so all of a sudden he's doing the work that used to keep 2 of us busy and working late nearly every day. This brought up conversations like should we stay or should we go? Is it time for the next chapter? Should we have kids (because becoming a mum would mean I have value again, right!?) And so we were looking at jobs where I would potentially be able to fill a part time role again... It honestly felt like such a roller coaster; I had just gotten myself out of that situation, why was I trying so hard to get back in!?

September brought a reprieve from my head chatter, for the simple fact that I went back to work! I was working away during the week, travelling 2 hours to another property to help a contract fencer; and I had worth again! And even better, I brought that value to the workplace myself, my worth wasn't attached to my husband's work. I honestly loved it; I got to spend all day every day in the bush, I got to work in the fresh air and sunshine and stretch my muscles again, and I was valued there for me. (And so the truth comes out, my self worth is linked to my worth as an employee... So if I'm not employed, what is my worth!?) However, at the end of the month, after 4.5 weeks of staying away from home during the week, working big days, all the extra travel, and not seeming to have enough time on weekends to get done everything that I wanted to... I was sick of working full time again. I was ready to take my life back! Those gremlins were still hiding in the closet though, because once October came and I was able to "get back into my routine," the head chatter started again. My mental health fell into a heap and I didn't know what I wanted from life or business or any of it! In actual fact, for the month of October I pretty much did nothing; I didn't grow my business, I didn't really achieve anything with my horses (apart from taking one mare away to the stallion), my house got neglected, and I'm really not sure what I spent my days doing; looking back, the month was just a blur. I got sick of wallowing in my own shit though, so I started to do some work in the past week. I done some visualisation meditations to figure out what I wanted, I did some journalling and thinking and listening to podcasts, I cleaned my house, and got outside more often! And I'm not saying I'm there yet, I'm definitely not. But some things are getting clearer, and I'm getting more focus in some areas, and I'll keep working on it - I will find my purpose again! And maybe it's changed, and that's ok, because my job is not a reflection of my worth. I am so much more than just a ringer. I know that it's a constant journey, and something that will never end for me, or perhaps for any of us! And maybe I will just find myself this year, in order to have to rediscover myself again next year when everything changes again. Because that's the other thing - we're moving house in December! Josh finally made the decision that it's time to move on, and we're actually moving into our own acreage in town, where he can base himself for contracting in the area, and I can do, well, whatever I want to do! I'm hoping to get a job as a horse breakers offsider, so I can continue to learn and grow my skills with young horses, and the best part is, the position is part time, so I will still have time for my own horses, my house, and my online business! Time will tell though, and opportunities may open up in a different direction, but for now, I'm just trying to enjoy November before the madness of moving house and Christmas all in the same month next month!