Our Journey to Freebirth

Wow... Where do I even start??

Our birth choices and outcomes hold so much significance to me; on the one hand, I want to share because it was so utterly life changing (and what if my story could change the trajectory of someone else's birth story!?), but it's also so very personal to me, to us. And it feels so vulnerable to peel back the layers and share that.

It was suggested to me that a good starting place for our birth story was the conception of our baby, and while the thought of sharing that made me UNCOMFORTABLE... it truly is the starting point of our journey; of our whole year really!

Our baby was conceived unconsciously, but also in the perfect timing, as things turned out! While the conversation of starting a family had been on the table for quite a few months, we had decided to wait another year. I had lined up my dream job for the new year, breaking in horses with Kenny and Sharon from Ropesome Equine here at Charters Towers, and we'd decided that I'd do that for a year... Guess what? I didn't spend the year breaking in horses! Although we weren't actively trying to conceive, we maybe weren't as careful as we could have been, and I was ovulating... So unconsciously, yes, but our baby was also conceived in so much love and happiness and contentment with our life.

Fast forward 2.5 weeks later: we'd spent the week between Christmas and New Years' moving house, so the first couple of weeks of the new year were pretty full, between unpacking, setting up the house, planting the veggie gardens and working with my young horses - I was settled into a happy little bubble, with the year laid out in front of me, and the world at my feet. And then one day I realised my jeans were harder to get on, and all of a sudden I couldn't get the button done up any more! I counted the days and realised my period was 4 days overdue... In that moment of shock, and then denial, I knew already: I was pregnant. Still, it was another 4 days before I got the guts to go buy a pregnancy test to confirm it!

Once I knew for sure that I was pregnant, I booked a doctors appointment to find out what the heck I was supposed to do next. My GP asked me if the pregnancy was planned, "Um, not planned, but not unwanted," I managed to reply. She referred me for a dating scan, since I was worried I was further along than my last period indicated (my previous bleed had been for only just over a day, so in hindsight, I wondered if I had already been pregnant then), because I was already looking 'pregnant' and not fitting my clothes! But my dating scan confirmed my guess date to within 2 days of the date calculated from my last menstruation; and seeing that little 7.5mm blip on the ultrasound screen was such a surreal moment, knowing that our lives were changing forever!

As my GP sent me off for blood tests, urine tests, and scans, I made myself some button extenders for my pants and started to wear looser shirts. My tummy popped out so quick and I was so not ready to 'look' pregnant! By 7-8 weeks I had started telling people though, I was so sick of trying to disguise my growing belly, and I really couldn't hide it any more. Those early months were when Josh and I were on opposite roller coasters; he was experiencing all the highs and excitement at the prospect of a new baby - while I was experiencing all the lows. I had to resign from my horse breaking job before I'd even started, and one Sunday morning, when I was 7 weeks along, I vomited up my breakfast, which was the start of a solid 10 weeks of pregnancy sickness, followed by ongoing queasy moments for weeks more after that. Those weeks were the lowest of the low for me; while I wanted to make the most of still being able to ride while I could, there were days I struggled to even leave the house. It was a warm summer, and the heat knocked me around like it never has before, and the 'heat-strokey' feeling only made the nausea worse - or vice-versa! There were days I even questioned did I want this? Would it really be worth it? (Spoiler alert: as I write this with my baby in my arms, it's totally worth it!)

So that's bit of a backstory to how I started my pregnancy: lost, uncertain, a little scared. But it turned out to be such a journey of growth (and not in a cliched way - I mean I literally grew! Haha!) Or maybe I had it inside me all along: one of the first thoughts I had about birth after finding out I was pregnant was "Ok, how can I not give birth in a hospital?" Let's put it this way; the last couple of years have done nothing but disillusion me to the system. And the fact that the medical system is now even more strained and understaffed than in pre-covid times, I didn't have a lot of faith in the type of 'care' I would receive in such an environment. But as for alternatives, I really wasn't sure where to start... My GP had told me that I would have a choice where I birthed, and I discovered that birth centres were a thing! After my initial gut-reaction of not wanting to birth in a hospital, I almost immediately dismissed a home birth as "not for me." The logical side of my brain was telling me that because our home is 1.5hours from the nearest birthing hospital in Townsville, that we would be too far from help; that home birthing is too big of a step for a first baby... all the excuses! So finding out that Townsville had a birth centre, it seemed like a good in-between option - a more holistic approach to birth, while still having medical assistance close at hand; I thought my decision was made! So I stayed in the system: my GP referred me for first and second trimester blood tests (which seemed increasingly unnecessary as they continued to come back clear, but I felt in out of my depth with the whole situation, so I just did as I was told), and my 12 and 20 week scans (which actually were really reassuring to have visual confirmation that what I felt and knew intuitively was right, and that my baby was perfect), and then I got referred into the Midwifery Group Program at my local hospital in Charters Towers at 19 weeks.

As I got my nausea under control, and then it continued to ease in second trimester, I started opening myself up to learning. I started doing some reading, and I listened to lots of podcasts. A friend who was a little bit more pregnant than me recommended The Midwives Cauldron podcast and it was such an amazing resource for me, especially to learn how physiological birth works, and how many interventions can interfere with the physiological process and cause other issues. So I learnt to trust birth. I trusted my body, and I trusted my baby, and I trusted birth, and in my head I was already picturing the perfect birth centre birth... only to have that all come crashing down at 24 weeks, when I mentioned it to my midwife and she informed me that the birth centre was only for Townsville 'locals' and that Charters Towers women weren't eligible. Like, what!? I was gutted; all of a sudden I was facing the prospect of a hospital birth, with what felt like no other options. And I threw a pity party. For weeks.

I wallowed in the self pity and unfairness of it all for over 3 weeks. I felt pigeonholed by the system, and felt like my personal circumstances were not being taken into consideration: I had a low risk pregnancy, and was fit and healthy - I knew I didn't NEED a hospital to give birth. But after doing some reflection and inner work I decided to toughen up - if I had to give birth in a hospital, I'd figure out how to do it on my own terms. So I reached out to my Facebook community, seeking solidarity and advice about what I would need to know to prepare for a physiological birth in a hospital setting. I received an overwhelming amount of responses from my callout (sorry if I never got back to you, my baby brain was very full at that time!) There were positive birth stories, and less positive birth stories. But even the positive natural birth stories didn't seem to align with my vision of an intervention free, 100% physiological birth; and the overwhelming consensus of the less positive stories was that the fear and pressure were so often unfounded, resulting in regret and guilt for these mums, that at the time just wanted the best for their baby. The emotional safety of myself and my baby was so important to me at this time, and I didn't want to become just another statistic of intervention, or birth trauma. But also on my post, I got the suggestion to hire a doula to be an advocate in the hospital - in particular it was recommended I talk to Karlee from Let's Talk Birth (the doula we ended up bringing into my birthing team!), and then there was a comment about freebirth. I'd been watching this woman's story on my Facebook since early in my pregnancy, seen her freebirth her little boy (and thought, how amazing!), but had dismissed the idea as not for me - that was her third baby and this was my first; her husband was supportive of home birth and mine wasn't; I had all the excuses! But at her comment, I finally reached out to her. I'm so grateful for the way she challenged my assumptions, asked me the hard questions, showed me I had options - and let me cry to her through voice messages!! But something she said really stuck with me: "Don't discount the importance of your first." This broke down all the excuses and self limiting beliefs I held around not feeling worthy or eligible to birth the way I wanted just because it was my first baby. Whatever my ultimate decision, and the outcome, this first birth would hold so much importance in the feelings and attitudes I would take moving into motherhood, and subsequent pregnancies.

The final straw came with my 28 week midwife appointment. I was finally reconciled with the idea of being pregnant, and actually excited to be having a baby; I'd begun to educate myself about birth, and had no fear of the birthing process, despite the fear-based stories I'd been told (because it's totally socially acceptable to tell an expectant mother the most scary birth story you know right!?), I intuitively knew that these stories didn't have to become mine. I had complete trust in the birthing process - and I didn't want to be poked and prodded or have any meddling that would upset this process. Since my town doesn't offer group antenatal classes, that midwife appointment was the 'labour and birth talk,' which I came out of feeling more fear towards the system than ever. The way birth was spoken about, as if everything was a problem to be 'fixed,' and the language used made these potential complications sound like a certainty, (not to mention the description of a managed third stage of labour - "you want to do what to my placenta!?"), all made me feel as if the system didn't trust birth, and didn't trust my body to birth my baby. Josh had came to that appointment, and when we got back to the car, I told him how I was feeling, and brought up the option of homebirth - and was quickly shut down! Too scary! But as I explained the different parts of 'the talk' that had me worried, and shared the different research I had found, he softened. He was on my team, he wanted a trauma-free birth as much as I did, and he trusted me to birth our baby safely - he just thought we had to be in a hospital for that to happen. He suggested I come up with a birth plan, to help me feel more confident birthing in the system.

So I sat with that; felt into it; did more research. And still felt like a hospital birth was not the right choice for me. So I reached out to a private midwife. Isn't it funny, that through all this inner work, even having the paradigm that birth itself isn't a medical event, my first instinct in exploring a birth outside the public health system was to reach out to a midwife, a trained medical professional - the conditioning runs deep! So I reached out to Georgina from Mumma G Midwifery, who patiently held space for me as I tearfully outlined our situation. She listened, and then she outlined the whole spectrum of options available to us; from the most medicalised option of private obstetric care, through to the least medicalised option of birthing unassisted, with or without a doula or support person present, (I've since came across this podcast which outlines the spectrum of birth choices here in Australia, for anyone who's also interested), and, due to the costs involved with hiring a private midwife vs a doula, suggested I talk to Karlee at Let's Talk Birth. By this time I was about 30 weeks along, and starting to feel like time was slipping through my fingers, and all roads were pointing to Let's Talk Birth. As a side note, there's absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to have medical support at your birth: the important part is that it's YOUR CHOICE. Ultimately, we ended up choosing to birth without medical assistance, partly because of the financial stretch it would be to hire a private midwife, but mostly because I knew the emotional and physical support that a doula could provide would be more useful to me than medical support: I truly felt like I didn't need anyone medical in my space.

And so I finally talked to Karlee. Really, it all clicked in that first phone conversation, although it took a little longer to eventually finalise the decision. In the space of time between talking to Georgina, and talking to Karlee, I seen another of my Facebook friends give birth in their "motel by the river." This was another Charters Towers woman, who relocated to Townsville for her birth, (Patient Travel Subsidy helps cover accommodation and travel costs for pregnant women to relocate at 38 weeks). She'd had a rough time at her first birth in the Townsville Hospital and wanted this one to be different; she hired a doula with the intention of "labouring at home as long as possible," to avoid getting caught in the cascade of intervention again - and she ended up free birthing! Seeing her story only strengthened my belief in how straightforward birth could be if it was just left alone and the woman felt safe - and it also opened up the possibility of 'home birthing away from home.' When I spoke to Karlee I felt so safe and supported, right from that first phone call. Everything she said about birth I just resonated with at such a deep level, and I knew that I would feel so safe having her in my space on our birthing day. By the end of that phone call I already knew what my decision had to be, but there was just one hurdle left to overcome: my hubby.

Josh works away during the week, and as my pregnancy progressed, and I got more excited about meeting my baby, for Josh it was harder for him to feel the reality of, since he wasn't living in it every day. So I'm sending him all these links to podcasts about pregnancy and birth, and his mind is on whatever job he's at that week, and not really with me and the baby. But despite all that we managed to have a few really good heart to hearts over the next couple of weeks, both on the phone, and on the too-short weekends when we got to see each other. And while there was fear, there was also trust. For us, choosing to home birth away from home was our best option. It allowed me to feel safe in being able to birth on my own terms, and only transfer to hospital if I needed it; and it allowed Josh to feel safe in being as close to medical help as we would be if we were staying in Townsville for a hospital birth anyway. So we hired Karlee and booked our Townsville accommodation, and made a plan to 'labour at home as long as possible,' whatever that ended up looking like for us. If there was no need to go anywhere, we wouldn't!

Choosing our accommodation was a very considered decision - as it needed to feel homey and safe to me. The hospital had given me a list of businesses in Townsville that work in with the Patient Travel Subsidy to make it easier for all the pregnant women booking their accommodation! I straight away crossed all the motels off the list - no way was I going to be stuck in a 4 wall motel room for goodness knows how many weeks, not to mention not having a kitchen! There were a couple share house type arrangements, but I decided they were not for us - using a shared washing machine to clean up birthing towels might not go over so well, not to mention having to be sociable with strangers in a shared kitchen at full term pregnancy, ugh! Of the units that were left, one lot in particular had a kitchenette and laundry area for each room, as well as a private courtyard outdoor area for each room - and looking at the photos of it, it FELT right; I could see my baby being born there, so that's where I booked!

During these weeks, I also caught Covid. I was only really sick for 2-3 days, but I tested positive for a full 2 weeks! Which gave me time off work that I used to get ready for our baby. I finished up my furniture projects that I'd been working on, and set up the baby room. I washed and cleaned everything, ready for her arrival. I also packed an emergency bag - I was born premmie at 32 weeks, so I guess I had that in the back of my mind. But regardless, once I had everything organised, set up and ready physically, I felt much more mentally prepared for birth. It's the little things!

Now, at 34-35 weeks, I started really preparing for freebirth! Though probably the biggest step is making that decision and committing to it; it took two really in depth phone calls with Karlee, plus an in-person meet up, getting all my questions answered and Josh's fears addressed, before we were ready to fully commit to freebirth. I find it interesting that I did such a deep dive of knowledge so late in my pregnancy. A lot of free-birthers do all the learning early on, so that in the final trimester they can step into intuition and feeling - whereas I spent the first part of my pregnancy just surviving one day at a time, and it was only once I started feeling excited to meet my baby that I came into that intuition and knowing... and then I circled back and did the learning! I backed up what my intuition already knew with statistics, facts and figures. It was really reassuring for my logical brain (and my practical hubby!) to get an understanding of what my intuition had been telling it for months; and even though Josh was supportive and trusted what I was feeling, it was helpful for him to 'know' some of these things for himself. (Check the end of this blog for the books, podcasts and resources that helped me prepare for our freebirth). I think building that intuition muscle is one of the most powerful things you can do to prepare for birth; and for me, learning the process of physiological birth strengthened my belief in birth and allowed me to trust more fully what my body and my baby were telling me. On top of that, listening to and reading positive birth stories (and even not so positive!), helped me understand the wide range of normal in true physiological birth, and added tools to my toolbox for those 'what if' scenarios: What warning signs could we be on the lookout for? What potential problems could we overcome ourselves? What level of risk were we comfortable with? And what would make a hospital transfer necessary for us?

On top of the mental preparation was the emotional and physical. Part of that emotional preparation was being very protective of my space, and not sharing our birth plans with anyone. I didn't want to invite negativity that would disrupt me at this vulnerable time, so the only people we told were both our mums, and a couple of friends who had been involved in our decision making. Instead, I spent time every day checking in with my baby, asking her how she was, and feeling her move. I did a pregnancy and birth meditation regularly in those final weeks, and I journaled about my ideal birth. I really tuned into my body like never before; and I listened to what it was telling me! Moving when I needed to move, resting when I needed to rest. Eating when I was hungry, and sleeping when I was tired - no matter what time of day or night! (There may have been breakfast at 2am a couple of times in the last two weeks I was pregnant!) I did a lot of walking, especially as it got more uncomfortable to get in the car, I'd just walk instead! I also did a lot of resting laying over my gym ball; it was a position that allowed the ligaments supporting my belly to rest, as well as being a good way to give bub room to move as she prepared for birth. The Miles Circuit was also a helpful routine for me, since with Josh away, I didn't really have anyone else to support me with the Spinning Babies techniques that Karlee recommended. Both routines are useful for allowing the baby to find their optimal position for birth, and helps prepare the pelvis for birth; along with protecting my pelvic girdle and ligaments by 'being a mermaid' when sitting, getting in and out of the car, etc. (IYKYK!) Of course I made sure to continue to nourish my bod through third trimester; eating well, and often, foods that tasted good and made me feel good; as well as taking my Juice Plus supplements to support my body as best I could nutritionally.

I did a couple of external courses on birth mapping, comfort measures for labour, and breastfeeding, and I also went birth shopping! I bought some cheap towels to top up the stash of old towels I had at home, and put them all through a 90°C wash so they were clean and ready. I bought a waterproof queen mattress protector to protect the accommodation linens, and blueys/puppy pee pads to make clean-up easier. I bought a pair of kitchen shears to cut the cord, a stainless steel bowl for the placenta, and a cord tie for bub's cord stump. I also bought some wax melts in a yummy scent, though throughout labour I didn't notice the smell and couldn't have told you what it smelt like haha! Then when packing for birth when I relocated to Townsville at 38 weeks, I also took a big soft blanket in case we needed it, as well as my yoga mat and gym ball. And I swapped the lamp bulbs in our unit bedroom from bright white, to soft, warm bulbs to make the space feel nicer; though I ended up birthing during the day, so lighting wasn't an issue!

By third trimester I was thoroughly enjoying being pregnant and just wanted to soak up every moment, every movement from my baby and every sensation in my growing body. Ultimately my mindset was the most powerful tool in my freebirth toolbox; my baby would have been born one way or another, whether I'd put in the effort or not. But by choosing to educate and empower myself, I took charge of my birth outcomes, took radical responsibility, and it paid off!

*Full birth story to come!

A note from Josh about our birth choices:

"I was definitely one of the not so sure Dads. As a male we seem to be wired to Care/ Support/ Provide. So me wanting what's best for Mum and Bub I thought the standard medical route was best. Leticia wanted to explore her options further so a Doula become a topic, my first response was what do they do and how much? Leticia was very keen on the idea so I had a decision to make. In the end I come up with, for baby to come out hassle free, mum and bub need to be as comfortable as possible, what ever that looks like. So we paid the money and Karlee become part of the birth map that Leticia set out. This was probably the best money we have ever spent. Once the idea settled in for me it just freed up our mental space. For Leticia just knowing she had some continued support before during and after baby was born. For me I was able to concentrate on supplying, and just getting ready in the everyday stuff. When I got to Townsville the week before bub was born I still hadn't met or talked to Karlee and was a bit worried about having someone so intimate and personal around if I didnt feel comfortable with her. We had a consult at the start of the week and Karlee just come floating in to our accommodation, there was a pause of awkward when she said are you a hand shake or hug guy. I decided on a hug because she was going to become close to us in the next weeks. It was just good having someone to relay our thoughts and Leticia's progress to while we waited for the baby to come. The call was made on Sunday morning and Karlee showed up. It was nice to just be given some quiet instruction and permission I suppose to just be with my wife. This took the pressure off me and Leticia and was able to just let things happen. Karlee was supper helpful, polite and non invasive through out the whole process. Little Willow was born and It just seemed like the most simple and natural thing the body is amazing. We are very grateful to have had low risk baby right from the start which gave us the freedom to explore and feel comfortable with a doula.

To my amazing wife and her doula I am thankful for my beautiful daughter."

Reading and Resources that Helped Me Prepare for Freebirth

Books

• 'Down to Earth Birth' by Jenny Blyth - Karlee loaned me this one when we made the decision to birth with her; it's a very valuable resource which covers everything from pregnancy to birth to postpartum and breastfeeding. It has extensive chapters on possible complications and how to manage them without medical interventions which I found invaluable in preparing my birth plan!

• 'Home Birth on Your Own Terms' by Heather Baker - this book could really just be called 'Birth on Your Own Terms,' as I think it's a helpful resource no matter what your birth plans and choices are! It really just lays out how birth works in black and white. Similar to Down to Earth Birth, it outlines possible complications, how they can be managed, and what needs medical attention - though the language is a little more blunt, and some people could find that confronting, especially if there's any fear held about birth.

• 'Orgasmic Birth' by Debra Pascali-Bonaro and Elizabeth Davis - despite the title, this book is really just a great teacher of physiological birth; it helped me to understand how birth happens, and the vast range of normal in physiological birth - I'd recommend it to anyone who wants to achieve a 100% natural birth.

• Ina May's Guide to Childbirth - I didn't finish this one, so I didn't actually get to the 'guide' part of the book, but the first section is full of super powerful birth stories!

Podcasts

• The Midwives Cauldron - for understanding the pregnancy, birth and postpartum processes, especially comparing hospital to home.

• The Great Birth Rebellion - for more information about birth in and out of the system, and being able to make informed choices about different interventions.

• Birth Realm - for positive birth stories.

• The Renegade Mumma - for more positive birth stories.

Conversations

• My Doula - obviously! But seriously, if you're thinking of inviting a doula or private midwife (or any other friends or family for that matter) into your birthing space, it's important to have in depth conversations to tease out their values and beliefs about birth, as well as what they're comfortable with in terms of supporting you. (For example, my doula told us what early warning signs in labour would have her suggesting a hospital transfer, and we told her the level of risk we were comfortable with in turn.)

• My Mum - who has, in her words, had three traumatic birth experiences. It was really eye opening for me to understand where I came from (a 32 week emergency C-section due to severe pre-eclampsia), and unpack the unconscious beliefs that my family has around birth.

• Someone who's free-birthed - talking to someone who gets it; who's planned for, and achieved a freebirth. I found it so helpful to have someone to talk to about the realities, the logistics; someone to suggest resources or bounce ideas off - or just some solidarity when everyone else is asking if you're all booked in with the hospital ready for birth haha!

• Anyone else who'd share their birth story with me - as long as I was in a mindset to be able to step back and look at their outcomes objectively, and not take their story on as my own. Again, mindset work is really important - listen to enough good stories to balance it out!

Other

• Facebook Groups - I joined two homebirth groups and one freebirth group and found them really powerful! So many amazing birth stories are shared, and I got to read so many positive stories while expanding my understanding of what is 'normal' in birth.